引人入性的一章

暫時在手上的是太宰治的小說燈籠，為太宰治眾多散文的合集。
當中有篇叫香魚千金，以下為其中節錄的一段：

「在溫泉旅館的房間裡，背對著牀之間的柱子，泰然自若地坐著，桌上放著稿紙，鬱悶地凝視口裡吐出的煙圈，疑惑它冉冉飄向何處，他用手將前額的瀏海往後撩，清了清喉嚨，那調調真有幾分騷人墨客的風情。可是他對自己這些毫無意義的作態，很快就厭倦了，便起身走出戶外散步去。

他有時候會向旅館裡的人借釣竿去溪裡釣魚，但連一條也沒釣到。其實，他並非很喜歡釣魚，反覺換魚餌非常麻煩，所以，他釣魚大部分用比較方便的蚊釣。那是在東京買的幾種上等魚鈎；放在錢袋裡帶出旅行的。既然不大喜歡釣魚，為什麼又特地買了釣魚鈎帶去旅行，而且非釣不可呢？其實也沒什麼，只是──只是──想體會一下釣友的心境罷了。」


人。意義。環境。筆者和「他」的關係。太宰治的意義和五次自盡。
「其實也沒什麼，只是──只是──想體會一下釣友的心境罷了。」
這就叫一語中的。太宰治，你是我的神。

Both an end and a start

If the time has to come, it has to come.

It is most probably a day which death stands the closest to me. In an indirect way.
That was when Mr. Cheung's funeral took place. The whole place was sucked up with regrets that could be felt, sorrow that could be tasted. Although it was already expected, it didn't mean I would become readily desensitized. I have my own feelings afterall, and it's the cruelty that impacted me the most.

For no reason, I want myself to bear in mind about this always so I have to write this down. I did glanced at Mr. Cheung. His ear was a little bit torn off, had a slightly swollen forehead, and the body part under his neck was totally covered up unlike the usual practices. This is pure cruelty. For such a great personality, mentor and artist, why should such a life end in this way? I know those empty talks of "Man can never control their fate", but it doesn't override the implication that "Life is always unfair". For a musician, his spirit and hearing are of ultimate importance; but what such a "fate" does is to take away both, seemingly making a joke at him. I know I'm totally irrationally at the moment, but why it is Mr. Cheung who passed away, but not those people who keep on wasting their lives on hkgolden or in daily practices?

The concept of "fear" has never come this close. In my past days, I thought I have a grasp of it, but now I know I don't. Fear for death is perhaps the greatest nightmare for my years to come. It may be Mr. Cheung who walks away first, or maybe, it will be me following his footsteps tomorrow (..touchwood). Life can be unimaginably brittle and invaluable at the same time. When one have much to cherish, it's hard to let go. The reason for me to fear now should be my love. With my gradual aging, my love for my partner, family, friends, hobbies - the worldly love to be exact - deepens a lot, and with death I can lose all of them at once. It's like for a split-second you felt into a well of emptiness where you're gonna stay forever, and that's horrible. Now I admit, I AM afraid of death.

Therefore, here's a reminder to self: Do take your time to love. There's no second opportunity to love once it passes by. When there's a flame, use them to bring the houses down; When there's a torch, share the wealth and lighten up the others. This is perhaps the last lesson given by Mr. Cheung - bear these in mind my man. Do not let Mr. Cheung down. Do not let yourself down.

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." -- Carl G. Jung

Now I know, Mr. Cheung.
P.S. Never lose your devotion to harmonica. It is one of your most important companions growing up - like badminton. GOTTA PICK THEM BACK UP

假如在某一刻失去將來

假若某日被告知失去了將來 會有甚麼滋味在心頭?

這是個我已思量良久的問題
雖說早已把這個問題丟進記憶回收筒
但就一件事便把我的思維重新激活了
一件我期望永不會發生的事
因為那一次該死的交通意外 親愛的張生默然離開了世界
現在為早上三時五十五分 大約十四小時後便要出席他的葬禮
心中 還有許多不捨
但想深一層 我們唯一能做的就只有不捨而已 其餘一切絕對無謂
因此 我希望自己能藉此上一課 從張生的last lecture學習 而非用歇斯底里來自我安慰

不知為何 我無時無刻都會嘗試代入張生的角式
舞台為的士上 演員有的士司機及自己
而我 就在車廂中悠閒地讀著報
根本毫無頭緒自己會在一秒後向這個世界告別
「一秒」
一段連反射神經都來不及轉送「恐懼」的時間
在這之內 人就被迫趕及接受自己人生終告結束的事實
更要立刻準備好被帶進一個無前人能提及的未知空間
一切都變得何等兒戲

從小而立 我都在不停想像自己彌留時的情景
就是將所有最親近的親朋烕友們叫到身邊 作一個簡單餞別
但我竟從沒想過 彌留也不是必然的
就如張生般 人可以無故失去彌留的資格
前一刻精神抖擻 接著眼前一黑 一切就可告完結
珍惜眼前人也不是單靠一個餞別就可以做得到的
因此 我再也負擔不起錯過生命的任何交錯
Live as you'll die today
我真的希望能達到這個高度 而非只是嘴巴在逞強

就是在任何一刻都可能失去將來的事實
告誡著我不要放過任何和身邊人及事接洽的機會
Yesterday once more?  哈 用作回憶舊事可矣

無謂的重新出發

也許是有見文筆漸差的關係 我決定了
開個網誌對我或許有益
每當情緒如野獸洪水 同時缺失合適的疏導
人總要找其他方法避免缺堤
用我的一雙手十隻手指 在一空間中留下生長印記
勉強也算是一種浪漫 至少我享受於其中

驀然回首 做人已十九個年頭
決心要瀟灑寫一回日記這個念頭竟十九年後才萌生茁壯
都不知好氣還是好笑
回望當時每個新學年 天真的我都直嚷著媽媽給我買日記簿來寫
而實情為把日記簿當作檯上擺設
其實令我既難過又窩心
難過的是 我竟然就這樣令一段青蔥歲月白白過去 連一點線索也沒留下
明明鉛筆就握在手心 日記簿就放在檯上等待我的傳召
我竟然找了課業做我唯一知己
畢竟腦袋只有一定回憶儲存量 更不要說重拾過去的心跳 感動
平白讓只屬於自己的回憶做了過客 想不難過都難
但窩心的是 這就是我
就是這種遺憾提醒著我的本質 就是一如既往的不修篇幅
我們或許需要某程度的缺憾美來成全完美
就如我要懂得從失去重獲本不能得
由「不存在」將我的過往和現在連結
提醒著我終其一生也不能忘記的童年
為此 我依然心存感恩

話雖如此 這不等於我安於現狀
有更多途徑尋回童年永比沒有好
假如可以 我希望能夠有心有力繼續下去
編寫並記錄只屬於唐偉傑一人的生命